This one time... (Comedic Moments Thread)

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This one time... (Comedic Moments Thread)

Post  Mind Gamer on Thu Aug 22, 2013 2:48 am

This one time, I was DMing for a bunch of my friends in a tabletop D&D game. We had gotten the room in the back of the local gaming shop, and were right in the middle of a heist.

It was a marvelous thing. The group had gotten a tip-off about a bank in the local, corrupt town, about how an entire cache of Astral Diamonds (read; exorbitant amounts of money) was being passed through the bank vault at a specific time, before a timed ritual was set to send the diamonds to the Astral Sea (read; really weird place.) In short, it was a challenge. The group had 24 hours to plan and execute the heist, timing the guards positions, and having the escape plan. They, after several good rolls, were able to scout out almost everything about the bank. The structure, which I mapped out for them, the rotation of the guards, the alarm system... Everything but inside the actual vault. Which was 4 inches of effectively unbreakable material in the shape of a giant cube in the middle of the vault. They weren't knowing what was in there.

Finally, the heist was in motion. It was going beautifully. The dwarf and dragonborn had already begun their diversion on the bottom floor, while the elves had used short-range teleport spells to sneak in to the catwalk on the roof. And away from it all, the shard-mind was keeping everyone in touch with psionics. As the Elves skillfully dodged through the traps, evaded the guards and made their way to the vault, it seemed nothing could stop them. Then, one elf, the thief, used his teleport to enter the vault itself, leaving his partner outside to act as backup.

This was when the thief found out what was inside the vault. An entire ring of chanting priests, all chanting around a circle. I was, of course, doing their voices out loud.

Then, when the thief saw the pile of Astral Diamonds in the center... The chanting stopped, and one of the priests spoke.

"Please don't touch that. It's not nice." This was spoken in Kermit the Frog's voice.

"DIAMONDS! WE NEED THE DIAMOOOOONDS!" Cookie Monster.

This was about the time when the entire group burst out into the most uproarious laughter I'd ever heard, and the entire session came to a screeching halt as everyone in the building, including the game store owner at the counter outside the room, struggled to catch their breath even as they laughed harder.

After a few minutes, the Thief, now dumbstruck as much as his player was in hysterics, asked one of the priests, "Are you all seriously muppets?"

"Mmmmmm, yeeeeeeeees! Good priests we are, mmhmhmhmhm!" Yoda.

"NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR TUSH OUTTA HERE MISTER, RIGHT NOW! HYAH!" Miss Piggy.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONDS!" Cookie Monster again.

And we needed to take a 10 minute break after that because the party couldn't stop laughing.
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Rod of Blunder

Post  Lapis-Lazily on Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:35 am

This story is about a rod of wonder. To understand it fully, one must also understand our characters. Our group went by the name "Neil's Drinking Buddies," and we certainly lived up to that name. The party consisted of my character, an alcoholic goblin bard by the name of Namgal "Bleeding Ears" Sipsclar, a crazed gnome sorcerer bent on conquering the Feywild named Neil Trouble, a sex addicted werewolf named Malcolm, a psychotic Pixie named Janice, and a jerk paladin named Grey who was definitely not lawful good. We were a pretty unscrupulous bunch, and smart choices were not our strong suit. For some reason, the DM decided to throw a rod of wonder into this mess.

We did a lot of stupid things with that rod. One time, I demonstrated what it was to some skeptical guards by pointing it at a random rock. That rock was suddenly imbued with chaotic evil and became a sentient rock with mind powers named Wanderspien. We threw him into the ocean while he shouted about how he would take over the world and destroy us all, the random standard villain spiel. He did actually come back to haunt us. Other demonstrations had similarly ridiculous results. When I tested it on a random jungle weed in the feywild, that weed became the sentient and omnipotent Great Weed of the Feywild. It taught us sacred wisdom and Malcolm and Janice began worshiping it as a god. They carried it around with us for the rest of the campaign. Another time I used it on a squirrel and it started puking up an endless supply of booze, which Namgal immediately poured into his flask of holding (yep, flask of holding).

While the rod was generally hilarious, the most memorable story around it started when we went to a trade company to ask the branch manager some questions about our arch-nemesis, Steve the Artificer, because Steve was an employee of this company. The manager was quite compliant once Namgal used his godly bluff skill to convince him that our party worked for the higher ups in the company. But, Namgal didn't think it wise to let the man live seeing as he knew we'd been there, so after we finished questioning, and before anyone could react, Namgal fired the rod at the manager. The result was not what I expected.
Spoilered because the next bit is not quite appropriate:
The rod activated the power "Alexander's Awesome Orgasm," a spell that effectively stuns the target by making them experience an orgasm so intense, they can focus on nothing else. Yeah...
Anyway, the manager was incapacitated, so my compatriots, caught up in my stupid act, helped me tie the manager up and kidnap him on to our boat. We then attempted all sorts of things to get more information out of him, and found out he had already told us all he knew. The group wouldn't let me kill him, so we were forced to let him go, and incur the wrath of a very powerful company. As punishment, Namgal was tied to a chair and I had to sit there as each other player got to roll a rod check on ME! The result? Namgal got aberrant voices stuck in his head, an angel companion, and several obnoxious temporary effects. Then the rod exploded, dealing effects out to EVERYBODY IN THE PARTY! Malcolm was petrified into a statue, my angel companion gained a dragon companion, an NPC had his gender swapped, two BRAND NEW rods of wonder were created, and a giant tidal wave was swept the coast of three nations! We were notably less excited by the rod after that.

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Re: This one time... (Comedic Moments Thread)

Post  Zena on Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:37 am

My very first tabletop adventure happened when my then-boyfriend and his group were trying out that new 4th edition of D&D that had just come out. True, 4th-ed isn't anything to write home about, but it's not bad for beginners and I was having a lot of fun. Here are some highlights:

(After a battle against evil gnomes, in which my elf ranger misses a shameful percentage of the time)
"Well, so much for elven superiority..."
"Hey, they're harder to hit without the pointy red hats!"
"It's like a targeting arrow, but pointing the other way!"

Wizard character: "I order a water for everybody, and proceed to turn each glass into the party member's favorite ale."
DM: "The innkeeper gets out a carved wooden 'No Spellcasting' sign and hangs it conspicuously at the bar. He glares at you."
Wizard character proceeds to take the next glass OUTSIDE in order to bespell the drink.
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Re: This one time... (Comedic Moments Thread)

Post  Zena on Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:59 pm

Double-posting. (Is that allowed? I forget.) This happened in Iron Kingdoms last weekend:

After making a delivery in Five Fingers for the Golden Crucible, my gobber alchemist is given a magically-locked chest to return to the Crucible's office in Ceryl, unopened. Later, I hear 2 facts that make me rather nervous. Namely, that a large quantity of Void just left Five Fingers, and that the Crucible has heard rumors of drug-running among its ranks and is looking to quash it. I manage to talk the party mage (human, aristocrat, a necromancer but none of us know it in-character) into helping me break into the chest.

DM: "And you manage to break into the chest. It's full of 5000 gold coins."
Mage: "Is this drug money?"
Another player, OOC: "Well, it looks like [my gobber character] is now a drug-runner. Well done."
Me: "The DM said it was for making warjacks with! That's suspicious but not necessarily drugs!"
Mage: "Face it, Zena. You've supplied to a meth lab."
Me: "Damn it, now I'll never work my way up in Cygnaran society! And I was going to have a nice miniature house! And a hot gobber trophy husband!"

We ended up sending an anonymous tip to the Crucible through a messenger. On the plus side, we now have lots of gold.
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Re: This one time... (Comedic Moments Thread)

Post  Zarhon on Tue Sep 10, 2013 3:32 pm

In War of the Assassins (a 'No More Heroes' styled game, featuring the players as over-the-top assassins), my character, Tatter Hide, decides to contact our quasi-employer, a Hippogriff by then name of Rainy Day.

She does that by phone, resulting in the following conversation:

Tatter Hide: "Hello?"
Rainy Day: "Yes what is it Tatter?"

*Explanation of what happened, including a guy that needed to be sent to a safehouse*

RD: "I see, alright, well done."
RD: "Where are you currently? I'll call in some royal guards to pick them up."
RD: "And before you ask I just got out the shower."

*Says where we are right now*

RD: "Alright, any particular challenge?"
RD: "Challenge/response? Trust passwords?"
RD: "Cricket and beanbag then?"
TH: Challenge: "Sup Biatch" Response: "Dat's racist."
RD: "...Cricket and beanbag it is, then."
RD: "Right, I'll call them and have them over in an hour, then I'll get back to washing this stuff out of my feathers."
*Boop Boop Boop - Ends call*

At this point, comments of questionable implications were being brought up. I decide to have Tatter press for more info.

TH: "Text: What stuff?"

RD: "Text: Wat u fink?"

And what does my character respond with? Something priceless.

TH: "Text: Shame?"

The game abruptly stopped as everyone started laughing like crazy. DM responds with laughter and a "well played". Spud (one of the players), calls me his new favorite person.

RD: "Text: No."
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